Not so long ago, Monster.com had a great commercial with kids stating that they aspire to go-nowhere, do-nothing jobs. Keep this ad in mind, because 15+ years ago, when I was a fresh graduate from college, I had scorching condescencion for my father because I saw him as a “company man.” However, somewhere along the line, I realized that I’d never make a living as a novelist, but I did pick up his (and my mother’s) ability to grease the wheels of the people in the organization(s) around me and get things done that others found impossible. Why? Well, apparently the white middle class has begun to breed bureaucratic personalities, because I am the result of that breeding program.

Well, here’s what happened to me. Around 1994, I was a protypical Gen-X slacker. I was working a hotel job, doing the bare minimum to get by, living poor, drinking most of my disposable income, and utterly cynical about my prospects for the future. Then I got my second or third reprimand in a row, and my prospects for transfer up or out were damn near impossible. So there I was: fucked. I had no other ideas of where I wanted to go. I was a liberal arts major, which means I had no skills that the private sector wanted or needed (as far as I knew), and I was in a big company in a warm state, so there were possibilities if I just kept my mouth shut and stopped fucking up.

I got very drunk for a few weeks. God knows what I looked like when I walked in the door, but I felt like warmed-over tequila puke. Never blacked out, never “went to a meeting,” but I realized I had a choice to make: move on to another company and let my career sink lower while I continued my fruitless quest to write the Great American Novel (GAM), or (and you don’t know how desperate you are until you’ve used your last six bucks for the week to buy bread, bologna, and a six-pack of Brigade beer) suck it up, learn to act like a grown-up, and play the game.

I sobered up, threw out the rest of the Brigade (a redneck friend told me, “Dude, I don’t even drink that shit!”), and decided that I was more concerned about making money than “making a difference,” whatever the hell that meant. I talked to my Dad, ever the one to dispense advice, and said, “Right now I am completely fucked. How do I get on a track to make things right on the job again?” Much to my surprise, Dad’s advice made sense this time, maybe because I was finally ready to listen to it. In any case, he spoke, I listened, and the next Monday, when the Dragon Lady who ran my office marched into her office, I walked in meekly, hat in hand, and said, “I’m ready to be a good citizen, but I need to know what I can do to have you help me get outta here.”

Maybe the Dragon Lady was feeling generous that day. Maybe she sensed that I’d reached a point of desperation or was actually sincere. In any case, she agreed not to stand in the way of a transfer or temporary assignment if I agreed to behave myself. So I did it: I toed the company line. Didn’t show up nearly as hung over. I was pleasant to the customers, my fellow coworkers, and (much to their surprise) the management. I was good for six or seven months, and on the eighth month, I got an interview for a job wearing my own necktie.

Needless to say, my friends gave me shit. “You’re brown-nosing!” Mind you, I wasn’t getting the boss coffee every morning, but I at least managed civil greetings and did my work well with a minimum of backtalk. Compared to my previous behavior, however, it probably seemed like brown-nosing, and I was called on the carpet for it. And in response I said, “So? I wanna get a promotion!” My friends backed off. Because, when it comes to money, my generation understands that sometimes you do what you have to.

So, Lesson One is: Be nice to your bosses and they will be nice to you

The job with my own necktie had its own special thrills. I was booking reservations for a large convention-style hotel, handling snooty group officials, high-strung bridezillas, and their group members. Large, weird, serious requests would come in on the fax machine from the VP of so-and-so, and I was expected to act on them. The deer-in-headlights look became typical on my face, and irritating to my coworkers. My new boss took me aside, asked me unnecessarily if this was my first “real job,” and I thought about it and finally said yes. She told me that my sense of fear was apparently contagious, and that if I just kept my expression neutral when the VP of so-and-so asked for a king-size bed, ocean view, with extra flowers and sprinkles by 4 p.m., I’d get a better response if I just slowed down and didn’t look like my stomach was going to fly out of my throat.

Lesson Two: Never let them see you sweat

I won’t have a story with all of these lessons, but this one is worth bearing in mind. A few years later, at the same company, I managed to fib my way into an HR job, which was excellent timing because they were about to downsize my previous area, and I really wanted to stay employed at the company by that point. A month or two into the HR job, I ran into the boss I submitted to in order to stay employed, and she was surprised to see me there. When she asked, I replied that I was now writing training classes for managers. After she picked her jaw up off the floor, she managed to say, “Congratulations.” I explained, since she knew me a little too well, that “A guy can grow up, ya know.” Her response: “Obviously.” Anyhow…

Lesson Three: Don’t piss off anyone beyond hope of repair; odds are, you’ll be working with them again

Lesson Four: If you’re trying to avoid work, walk down the hall to a restroom/friend’s office/cube carrying a clipboard. You will look busy.

Lesson Five: Spend your first month learning the JOB, not screwing around. LISTEN for the first month before you go spouting off about anything personal. This includes politics, socializing, or whatever else you think or do off-duty.

Typical example: if you’re focusing on the job, you’ll get a reputation as a stand-up, no-shit kind of guy/gal. This is not a bad rep to have. Furthermore, while you’re looking serious, you can let others, who have been there longer, spout off to their hearts’ content. Smile noncommittally if you’re asked to respond to a conversation or particularly snarky quip that you might or might not agree with. You need to get to know what “sense of humor” is permitted in the office before you go spouting off with your latest Limbaugh/Polish/Obama joke. If the people around you don’t joke, that should be the lesson you learn.

Lesson Six: Once you learn the game, don’t let on that you know the game.

Just because you’re paying attention to the office politics doesn’t mean you have to share your observations about the office snitch, the boss’s daughter, or your next-door neighbor. There will come a time when this information is useful, but it is not when you’re a newbie on the payroll. And a “newbie” might well be anyone who’s been there under 10-20 years.

Lesson Seven: Understand the organization and its hierarchy before going off on your own.

We Gen-Xers have a “consultant” streak in us. We all prefer to think that we’re all our own bosses. We like projects that allow us to network with a lot of people, but then at the end of the day generate the final output ourselves. This is easier in some environments than others. In hierarchical, top-down, very structured environments, the freewheeling spirit of the Gen Xer or (God help them) the entitled Gen Yer can be positively crushed if it can’t find an independent niche somehow. Here’s a trick: the more officially hierarchical the management of an organization is, the stronger the “unofficial” networks are. Why? Because hierarchical bureaucracy means that the rules are made by the people with the most power, and often those rules can change based on the mood of those powerful people on a given day. This brings me to…

Lesson Eight: Befriend, don’t piss off, the secretaries/administrative assistants.

You’d think this would be an obvious “gimme” in a bureaucracy, yet I’m amazed at how many people drop this particular ball. I gave this advice to my first Gen Y employee on day one. And, no kidding, within a week, one of the secretaries who formed my unofficial network of people-who-can-get-things-done came back to me complain about the attitude of the new kid. Being friendly isn’t that difficult. No, really. Managing “Hello,” “Good bye/good night,” “Thank you,” and “Is the boss in, or should I come back later?” will do you all manner of good.

And the flip side of this is that admins/secretaries are gate keepers. They are there to answer the phone or handle the complaint in person before it ever gets to the Person Who Can Say Yes or No. They have most likely followed along as this person’s sec (sorry, I’m old; secretary is the word I’m used to) for several years. She (I don’t know many male admins) for a number of years, and knows the boss’s prejudices about everything from food to wine to decision-making. She (also a common “given” in the corporate world) can judge when you’re there for a serious decision and when you’re there to blow smoke. And sometimes, even if you’re there to get a serious decision, you can be blocked because you pissed off the admin. Now how smart was that? I’m hoping my Gen Y guy learns that eventually. He also didn’t have much appreciation for…

Lesson Nine: If the boss wants to share a “war story,” listen to them.

Let’s assume you’ve been nice enough to the admin that you got into the boss’s office with a minimum of friction. You’ve got a question or a decision that only someone at the boss’s level can handle, and you’re in a bit of a time crunch. However, it’s 3 o’clock on a Friday afternoon. The boss just got his (another ugly fact of life, but not as common as before) bonus check that day, and he’s got a 4:30 tee time. He’s feeling mellow and expansive and also feels like sharing his wisdom with an up-and-coming lieutenant. You start to tell him your problem, and he starts reminiscing about the wars he fought over a contract fought in 1989. You’ve heard this story before, and your teeth are about to ache from the pain of listening to it again. Your first instinct will be to slam your papers on the desk and say, “G@#dammit, LISTEN, you self-important old fart! I’ve got one hour to solve this problem, and after you answer me, I’ll probably be working overtime to fix it, so cut the crap with your ancient history, and answer my fucking question!” Stop yourself.

I happen to be a student of history. You can learn a lot from history. For instance, if you were in the Bush Administration and had been keen on your history of the Vietnam War, you might have realized that a protracted land war and occupation on the Asian mainland was a bad idea. But say you were a philosophy major, or an English major, or something equally useless. History was the class you endured after a night of heavy drinking. But really, there are lessons to be learned from history, even from stories you’ve heard a hundred times. The boss has brought up that particular story for a reason. If you already know the particulars from before, perhaps you can anticipate what the boss will say next, and it will give you an idea of how to solve your current problem. If you don’t know the story, partially feign interest, and ask leading questions that eventually nudge the boss back to the reason you originally visited. Old folks may be loquacious, but they’re not stupid. You just might learn something that saves you an hour of overtime.

And seriously: if your problem requires an answer right away, interrupt, apologize, and explain exactly what you need. The boss will listen and might even let you go quickly. If he insists on telling the war story again, sit there and listen because they are definitely telling you for a reason.

Lesson Ten: Know when to work through the system and when to work outside the system.

This is not as easy as it sounds, and might sound utterly useless to you. (In fact, I offered this exact piece of advice to a coworker recently, and she told me that I’d said precisely nothing, which only goes to prove that office politics is not everyone’s cup of tea.) It runs something like this: say you’ve got a problem you need to solve right away. Officially, you’re supposed to talk to your superior, and that superior is supposed to talk to another superior at the same level before someone at your level one division over will get the work done that you want done. However, there might be occasions where the offiical process takes too long, or you know that your superior or the other one is out of town, and you need action today. If there are no monetary, public relations, or “face” (company opinion/management ego) issues involved, you could call your friend in the area you want the work accomplished, let him/her bring the issue to a superior, and let the process carry on from there. Your boss might even thank you.

Or let’s say you’ve got a situation where a superior in another area needs to provide you with information or an output and has not provided it. You could be in a government organization or a large private-sector entity, it doesn’t matter–let the superiors duke it out amongst themselves. Explain to the superior who needs the output that you need said output from superior B, and that person had not responded yet. Let the bosses fight it out above your head. You are not paid or (despite corporate rhetoric) empowered to order bosses around in order to get things done.

However, let’s say you’ve got a situation where you need something done by another area, and you know that your superior and the superior of that area don’t get along, and would see it as the greatest insult/offense if something was done outside the official chain of command. In that case, you send your request to your superior and the other superior in the clear, cc:ing (copying) yourself, and letting everyone know that you are doing things “by the book” and above board. It sounds stupid, but if you’ve been there, you know exactly what I’m talking about. Because one of the cardinal rules is…

Lesson Eleven: Don’t make the boss look bad.

If you’ve got a situation in your area that is just plain evil, odds are, a decision will be made above the boss’s head anyway. The best things you can do in that case are to be honest (unless your superior is the source of the evil) and offer clear, appropriate solutions to address the problem. If your superior is the cause of the evil, then your honesty should be given to the superior’s superior. And if it goes above that, consult an attorney. You might be covered under whistleblower laws. I can’t help you.

But beyond problem-solving, there are other ways you can make the boss look bad, and they should be avoided if you wish to stay employed. However, if you’ve had it with covering for your boss, then this essay probably isn’t for you because this is a guide for going native and staying employed. Anyhow, if you want to avoid making the boss look bad, here are some useful things you can do:

• If you learn that something bad is happening in your area, tell him, don’t let him get sideswiped
• Don’t bring up issues with the superior to the superior’s boss without trying to settle the issue with the superior first. If you’ve already tried speaking to the superior and not gotten the answer you wanted, you have two choices: escalate the issue or let it go. Logically calculate the gains accrued by winning versus the potential losses accrued by losing your point, starting with irritating the boss and working your way up to termination. People can be fired for unprofessionalism, if it’s severe enough.
• If you’ve got an issue that requires escalation, go by your company’s/employer’s book for handling such procedures first. The forms must be obeyed, whether you’re getting a report approved or lodging a legitimate complaint. If you want to be treated with some respect (whether you stay or go), then you want to demonstrate that you’ve done everything a reasonable person can do within the existing bylaws/guidelines/regulations before you resort to below-the-belt tactics.
• Below-the-belt tactics include bringing up an issue in a meeting in front of your superior’s bosses,  blogging that names names, going to a TV investigative reporter, and hiring a lawyer. I’m not saying give up your constitutional rights; just be very aware about the consequences of your actions before you shoot from the hip. Paybacks are a bitch. Organizations have a long institutional memory, and even if you turn out to be right and get the bastards thrown out, you won’t necessarily be welcomed as a conquering hero when you return from court.

Other lessons will come to me. This is just a primer. If you’re destined for middle management, or merely passing through on your way to the Executive Restroom, be aware of these rules. They will only get more personal and more convoluted as you move further up the chain.

Oh wait, here’s one…

Lesson Twelve: Don’t bring your personal life to work.

I wish I could tell you that I haven’t had coworkers bring their personal, home-wrecking detritus to the workplace, but I’d be lying. From family issues to abuse to drugs and alcohol to bad breakups, some folks are just prone to pain and drama, and insist on inflicting it on their coworkers. This need not be in the form of one-on-one conversations. Sometimes you hear it in the restrooms. Sometimes you hear it in the next cube, as you hear your coworker yelling at her kids on her cell phone. Some problems are unavoidable. I get it. Take it outside the office. Cell phones are nearly universal. Go out to the parking lot, sit in your car, or far enough away from the building that you can settle your business away from the ears of your coworkers. Check with your company’s “Employee Assistance” program. Honestly, while many of us are caring souls, we really don’t need TMI. Ever.

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